JACS Library - Literature

JACS: Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons, and Significant Others

JACS LIBRARY - LITERATURE

Denial Ain't Just A River In Egypt by Ellen Lebowicz, C.S.W.

The Jewish community is a stronghold of family values, "chesed", and reaching out to others. We try to insulate ourselves from societal ills and have pretty much convinced ourselves that we're reasonably immune from that which has adversely affected the secular community. We tend to want to believe this until a loved one falls prey to these problems.

Even in writing an article for a Jewish publication, I feel compelled to beat around the bush and not make reference to the "D" word (no, not divorce - divorce has reluctantly been accepted as being a Jewish problem, too) i.e. - drugs.

As unpleasant an issue as this is to deal with, problems swept under the rug tend to result in bumpy rugs. To deal with a problem by pretending it doesn't exist is certainly not a sure-fire method to make it go away. In most of our schools there is no such animal as drug prevention. For one thing, we fear it may give our kids ideas, and for another, the community might just make the assumption that if you have a drug prevention curriculum in your yeshiva, then it goes to follow that your yeshiva also has drugs!

Unfortunately, substance abuse has found its way into our community. Certainly adults are victims of its trap. It sounds simplistic and harmless to refer to nicotine and alcohol as substances, but despite their legality for those age 21 and over, they are substances nevertheless.

That adults overindulge (we're not talking about an occasional "simcha" or social drink), is problematic enough, that our children can and do purchase both cigarettes and liquor is frightening. Never mind that the law requires a minor to present ID indicating his/her age. Did you ever send your fourteen-year-old to pickup cigarettes for you at the local mom-pop grocery store? Kids sent on such an errand are generally able to complete their mission (this, parents, incidentally is negative training and not highly recommended. By doing this we teach kids that it's OK to break the law if you can get away with it. You give your kid a confusing message when you ask him to buy you the same cancer stick you want him to stay away from. And kids I talk to whose parents send them on such errands feel doubly awful because they feel like the agents for their parents' deadly cigarette habit).

But, we're not just talking about cigarettes and beer.The peer pressure of the outside world has infiltrated within, and our children are beginning to hear the same lines all the other kids do: "Come on, marijuana can't hurt you." Never underestimate the power of peer pressure and the adolescent need to be cool. I've shown anti-drug and alcohol videos to 8th graders,and they referred to the kids in the video who didn't give in as "goody-two shoes" and "losers."

When I first came in with the video the comment made to me by the students was: "Don't show the video today. The kid who needs it most (the known smoker) is absent." My response to them was: "Just the opposite. Prevention is about educating you before it's too late." And incidentally, in many cases eighth grade is even too late because by then the child's desire to please and impress adults rather than their friends is temporarily out-of-service.

But given that most yeshivos are not yet ready to introduce such a program, it is incumbent upon parents to do their own prevention. This does not necessarily mean that you need to research a complete shopping list of all drugs, how to identify them, and their effects. But it is important to set the stage for later, even early in their lives.

It is very important for children to feel they can discuss almost anything with you. The more comfortable they feel with you, and the more trust that's built between you, the more open they'll be able to feel with you later when the stickier subjects come up.

Some basic hints to create this kind of environment:

- Be a good listener.
Your child needs to feel comfortable bringing problems or questions to you. Don't let a discussion end in anger even if you hear something that upsets you because you want your child to feel like he could come back and talk again. Also, pay attention to what the child ISN'T saying.If he isn't telling you about problems, take the initiative to ask about what's going on in school, with friends, etc.

"How was school?" will often just get a "Fine" as a response. If you remember something your child told you the day before, bring up that specific incident the next day, e.g. "Did the girls give you a turn to jump rope at recess today?" This helps focus her, plus she'll see you care enough to remember what bothers her.

- If you can't talk to your child at the moment she demands it, let her know you really want to hear what she has to say and then set up a time that is convenient for you both to talk.

- Give lots of praise.
Emphasize what your child is doing right rather than always focusing on what's wrong. When children hear more praise than criticism, they learn to feel good about themselves and they develop the self-confidence to trust their own judgment. They will also be less dependent on peers and ultimately substances like drugs in order to feel good.

Rabbi Abraham Twerski, who heads a drug rehabilitation center in Pittsburgh, feels lack of self-esteem is one of the key issues in future drug use. Substance abusers don't come to substance abuse from a lack of morality, but from strong feelings of dislike. Too often, self-dislike comes from internalized messages repeated over and over during childhood.

- Give clear messages to your children, i.e. that "in our family we do not use drugs or alcohol." -
Model good behavior. "Do as we do, not as we say" continuesto prove to be a powerful parenting principle. Honesty, integrity and playing fair is learned at home.

- Know what's going on out there.
"What my parents don't know can't hurt me," is a powerful adolescent principle. In the end, they're grateful when they're not pulling the wool over our eyes. Children need the security of knowing their parents will be there for them always, even when they take some wrong turns. And it's our job to let them know that we are.