JACS Library - Our Stories

Accepting the invitation to speak at the JACS Retreat Big Meeting on Friday night came almost automatically. I remember gulping, repeating the question and hearing the inner voice that said: "G-d is in charge." I said 'Yes' - it was the only obvious answer.

The sun was shining as I drove up to the JACS fall retreat. My stomach had been fluttering for a number of days. I smiled as I parked the car. There was Rabbi Hirsch, being greeted by admiring friends. We all commented on the wonderful weather, remembering soggy hallways and dripping ceilings of the previous retreats. We all agreed the sun's appearance was due to having scheduled the retreat on the Shabbat of Parshat Bereshit when the Torah tells of the creation of the sun, as opposed to the usual week when the portion is Parshat Noach and the story is soggy.

Collecting hugs helped calm my pre-speech nerves; it was so good to be among 'family'.

Free moments during the previous week had been spent contemplating how I would present my story. I'm a teacher by vocation and have done public speaking to various types of audiences. I have taught English, dancing and Yoga to adults, adolescents and children. I have spoken on topics related to the Holocaust, instructed teachers on how to teach writing, presented for JACS at school events and held discussion groups for singles. But speaking at a Big Meeting seemed the biggest challenge.

The task was daunting because of my own expectations. I have often felt frustrated as I sat listening to a speaker. Invariably the speaker meandered through an account of his/her story of addiction and when time was running out, sprinted through the recovery part of the story. It's not that I'm unwilling to listen to the beginning of the saga, but I always wished for more of the ESH. I wanted to hear how this person coped - what did he/she do to get through each day?

With this beating a tattoo in my head, I ate, walked, breathed my speech for a week before the retreat. Some JACS calls, a glance through some journal entries, and more introspection than I'd indulged in weeks finally made me feel I was ready. I wrote notes on paper, transferred it to cards, tore them up, started again.

I had decided to spend a little time on the beginning of my journey, sweep through the horror with minor references, and focus on my recovery. It became clear that I owed my sanity to people from JACS. I hoped to show my gratitude on Friday night.

The Carlebach style prayer at Friday night services calmed me; I knew G-d was with me. Later that evening, butterflies churning, I made my way to the podium. I looked out at the faces, confessed my nervousness and recovered my serenity. I told the story of finding JACS when my brother and my family needed help. I explained how program had helped me come to terms with my father, an abusive marriage, a teenage son at risk. Gratefully I shared how my friends at JACS have helped me become who I am today.

When I finished speaking the response was overwhelming. Friends lined up to hug me and thank me. As the weekend progressed, people I barely knew, and some I had never met, stopped me to thank me for sharing my story. The most oft stated request was: "Can I get a copy of that list you read?"

Writing the list of what I learned at JACS was enriching for me. It forced me to encapsulate what G-d, JACS and program mean in my life. So I really want to thank the people who decided it was worth asking me to speak. The opportunity presented my greatest speaking challenge to date. I knew that somewhere at that retreat was at least one person who would be helped by hearing my story. I wanted it to be clear; hoped my heart would speak to his/her heart. My message reached out. Never did I expect to have touched so many.

1. Relax, G-d is in charge.

2. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness - it is a sign of strength.

3. Creating boundaries is not only O.K. - it's often essential.

4. I am a person of value.

5. When I give, I gain so much more.

Everything I need to know I learned at JACS