Subject: Embarrassed to be a Jew 

When I first came to AA, there was a guy in some of these meetings who wore a Yarmulke (skullcap). It took me many months to go over and meet him. He was different from everyone else in the rooms. So was I, but nobody knew that. The need I had to fit in was the same feeling I had felt before I started drinking. That feeling of being different. 

As I got better, I began to feel more at home in the rooms, more accepted. I organized a JACS meeting when I was sober about 11/2 years. I started announcing it at AA meetings that allowed non-AA announcements. Now everyone knew I was Jewish, but to my relief, nobody cared. 

I discovered many JEWS in the rooms-about ten percent at some meetings. Many were people I never thought were Jewish - such as Armando, a Cuban who has a Jewish mother. Unfortunately, few of these Jews were interested in our local JACS meeting, it died. The guy with the Yarmulke is one of my best friends today (Hi I..). 

Thanks for the feedback about my sponsor and the forum. 

Love,
J 

 I started wearing my kepah to my AA home group two weeks ago and last night my sponsor told me she thought I was promoting a particular religion by wearing it (and that people were talking about me)! I went home at the break to think this over and call some Jews in AA to see if this is my ego or my right?

 It really hurt because while people have been curious and asked me about it, most responses have been positive or respectful. My Jewish AA friends said that they felt that AA as a whole shouldn't promote religion but an individual is not required to hide who they are. One even pointed out that we wouldn't usually tell someone what to wear, be it a gay pride button or motorcycle/tattoos or whatever.

 On the other hand, I know that a kepah can make some people uncomfortable. On the third hand (?) at this "country AA meeting", the assumption at meetings is that everyone is catholic and I felt that I need to make a safe space for myself as a Jew like I'm not really different from them, I'm just a human being, but I do practice a different religion).

 Anyway, I now have a sponsorship problem, as everyone seemed to agree that I need to talk with my sponsor about this once more, but consider getting a new one. I did try to explain, in a nice way last night why I'm wearing it; it's purely to A) let people know that there are Jews in AA and perhaps give encouragement to some jew who may be newly sober by sort of "offering by visibility" a sympathetic ear. and B) to signify and affirm (to myself and others) my commitment to a Jewish life and the Jewish community (I'm not ashamed about this, even though my sponsor and others in the meeting are not comfortable with my conversion).

 I've thought about my motives a lot and discussed them not kepah wearing per se, but why I feel the need/guidance to become a jew) with the rabbi. My choice is are not a reaction against Christians but instead are a positive attraction to try to get closer to G-d (take care of my spiritual/religious needs). I'm certainly not ramming it down anybody's throat but I do want to be myself and not hide. I really am happy with the way my life is going and feel better able to trust the G-d of my understanding, but I won't deny that it's a struggle not to isolate and not interact with people I find difficult.

 I love AA and owe it a lot (my life) and the suggestion that what I'm doing may hurt it concerns me deeply. My gut says to just go back next week and keep wearing the kepah and to try to not run away, but I also know if it's going to always be an issue instead of people getting used to it, then I may have to change groups. Reality again, blech!

 Also what do people think about the issue of visibility as a Jew vs. my own (often faulty) recovering human behavior. Should I refrain from wearing a kepah to avoid bringing negative judgment on the community? Sorry this is so long, but this kind of caught me by surprise, I expected discussions about this when I started wearing it, but not pressure to stop!

 I've been wrong in sobriety before, so I'm willing to listen. Thanks
Shabbat shalom 

L.... 

I keep my head covered all the time because that is what a Jewish man is supposed to do. That meant at meetings, too. 

It wasn't easy. I felt very self conscious (sp?) at first, but I did it because it was the next right thing. I didn't do it to prove a point or attract anyone. It was just right for me. 

If anyone has a problem, which they have, it is THEIR problem. They can work on their issue themselves. I do not promote my religion by wearing a yarmulke at anywhere and I do not promote the way in which I practice my religion. 

People who feel judged often are not judged, but being judgmental themselves. 

Nuf said. Bye 

B... 

J... 

The first AA meeting I wore a kippa to was in a shul in Chelsea (that's NY). The meeting had a troubled relationship with the (orthodox) shul. All this was going on while I was becoming more observant. During announcements and business meetings, people would express their dissatisfaction with the synagogue which would cancel meetings on little notice and close for all these inconvenient holidays.

 Anyway, I'm getting off the track here, but only to bring up another topic: I felt through this whole thing that I was the only one in the room who heard the anti-Semitism. So I shared about it and it helped. I wondered if anyone out there has had any similar experiences. Anyway, that's all a tangent. 

One day the downstairs beit midrash room was occupied. So the meeting was up in the main shul. I couldn't believe what was going on. People were eating and drinking and talking and laughing at the mechitzah (and it wasn't even a particularly funny one). So I got up, went to the back and got one of those black wool/flax blend yarmulkes (just kidding, this baby was pure polyester) and walked back into the meeting. 

Now I wear the thing at meetings about 90% of the time. (Well not that one exactly: I have my own collection of crocheted and leather ones now.) First of all, I do it for me. Increasingly, bizarrely, uncomfortably (and plenty of other adverbs) it is who I have become. So it feels natural to wear it at meetings. People do look, though. I figure they think I'm a freak, some kind of religious nut, but they may not think that, and whatever they think isn't my business anyway.

 No one has ever thrown me out, though (see, e.g., Tradition Three). My non-Jewish sponsor was initially quasi-hostile: he said he didn't know about any of that stuff and that he could help me better if we stuck to the Program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Anyway, we talked through all this. Mostly, he's gotten used to it. He respects my spirituality (which I find I little condescending, but I'll keep coming back). 

Wearing the kippa has also had other effects. One man came up to me at a meeting on the Upper West Side. Said he had been raised frum, but wasn't now. He said he admired my courage and wished he saw more kippot at meetings. He wondered whether there were observant Jews around the rooms who were afraid to "come out". We concluded there were. 

At a couple of downtown meetings, Jews have come up to talk to me after seeing the kippa. I've gotten into very interesting conversations about Judaism and sobriety with people, which probably would not have happened otherwise. 

The 10% of the time I don't wear it are the times I don't want to feel like a freak. It's also related to my level of observance, which is subtly on the wane in recent weeks. 

This question, it seems to me, has to do with the notion in the rooms (and I don't know if it's real "program" or just the way things are) that we try to concentrate on the things that we have in common and avoid the things that separate us. Thus, when I hear people qualify, they talk about their "job" and their "chosen field" (no specifics). This desire to accentuate our common experiences and feelings seems noble to me, mostly. But, like anything else, this can be taken to extremes by a bunch of alcoholics. After all, we are different people and we have had different backgrounds, experiences, paths. So, like many things in and out of the rooms, there's a bit of a tightrope to walk. 

Right now, though, I think the most important goal is for me to be most fully me in whatever setting I'm in: work, shul, meetings. That involves wearing a kippa in meetings, and, increasingly, at work. 

. . . .OK, so I've just made it all the way through my posting without mentioning my homosexuality, which is as important a constituent of me as my Jewishness or my alcoholism. This involved a lot of editing. The meeting in Chelsea, for example: queer as a $3 bill. The meeting uptown: nominally straight. 

So, here on this list, the same tightrope. To discuss what we have in common without sacrificing that which makes me me. 

I hope no one gives me an earful of my defects after this. I'm doing the best I can, today, you know. 

Shabbat Shalom 

A.. 

I have attended meetings for years while wearing a yarmulke. I've been asked to take it off ( I politely decline ). Why are you wearing it? ( Cause I believe in a power greater than myself) and was even told that I didn't need to year because "Jesus will not require you to wear it off when he comes back..." ( He'll be back when Moshiach Arrives. :-) 

I never ask Catholics to remove the dirt on their heads on Ash Wednesday nor do I complain when they say "Happy Christmas". Ask them how a Hasidic man could attend meetings. Remember that the ONLY requirement is a desire to stop drinking. 

Remind you sponsor of the preamble. Your not selling torahs door-to-door. Your not saying to convert to Judaism to stay sober. 

To those who are upset about goyim using "HaShem". Let them be. In the grand scheme of things, we (the Jews) are supposed to be a nation of priests. A holy nation. We are to be an example. Goyim can keep kosher but only the Jews are required. Doesn't make us better but we are held to a higher standard. ( This my opinion and not necessarily that of anyone else :-) 

If someone wants to wear a Kippah, turban, or run nude due to their religious belief let them. I think we need to re-read page 449. 

I'll re-read it again for me. 

For those that partake, Have a Good Shabbos.

 E.. 

My nickel's worth (an extra 3 cents because I have an advanced degree, and thus MUST have something important to say (grin): 

* The reason to wear a kippa is to remind yourself to remain humble and subservient to G-d, and not as an "advertisement".

 * True to the spirit of "Take what you need and leave the rest," the other people at a meeting who see you wearing one have the option of seeing an external manifestation of your inner belief as good for you, or letting it bug them for their own inner reasons.

 * If anyone has to take their own inventory over your wearing a kippa, it should be them, not you, unless you are trying to show your difference from them and thus distance yourself from the fellowship. This aspect really needs your prayer and meditation to work through, as it does theirs, and then HP can guide you (and them) in the right path.

 I usually wear a baseball cap to meetings, and try to keep a low profile. I've never been very good at being humble in the past.

 Shabbat Shalom, you'all

 -S.... 

 I find with JACS I'm "not Jewish" enough, as I was not raise observant, and I want some of that spirituality that is so often shared on JACS. It should not matter what you wear--just to be yourself, as best you can. If others are threatened by what you wear, it's their problem. And if you felt threatened on compromised in that situation, you should consider other AA venues. You can't be clean if you don't feel safe.

 Sz... 

 Happy for any responses.

 Av...

 >Hi Folks,
> I congratulate the School Department from a little town in Rhode Island

 >that banned the wearing of hats in the classrooms. Even though
>I'm in the cap and apparel business, I'm a firm believer that the parents are

 >not educating the children on where the hat should not be worn.

 > I've seen the National Anthem played in various countries where American
>tourists have been present and they never removed their hats.
> What does this tell you about one of many of our customs that seems to no
>longer matter? Hats off to Portsmouth, R. I., they care. 

 A kippah is a religious head covering, not unlike what the Pope wears. Could you imagine asking the Pope to remove his "kippah". I think not.

 When Al... started wearing his kippah full-time, I was very uneasy. It is now just as much a part of him as his nose or eyes or mouth are. It is "who he is" and "what he believes in". I don't think the above statement has anything to do with Judaism at all.

 My $.02 --An.... 

 Look again at the article I copied for the list to look at. The idea of a head covered inside as opposed to outside, especially in a "house of worship" was NOT allowed in Christian religions. A hat not taken off was not the custom and to state that a yalmuke is not a hat is true BUT it is also not a Christian custom to do.

 A person out of respect and humility would remove his hat upon entering a house of abode, a house of worship or in respect of something such as the national anthem of the U.S. of A.

 Now. To throw you a curve ball, the kippah or yalmukah is not required by the Torah like the fringes of the clothing are. The Rabbis enacted this custom. I remember a good friend of mine who in the beginning of his spiritual journey wore tzitizs or fringed garments and NOT a head covering.

 I have another surprise for you. The basis of the pope's head covering IS from Judaism.

 NOW Al.. and his kippah are one. But in the beginning it was hard. From some of the posts I've seen, many have asserted their Jewishness from confrontational type attitudes against something and not from one of approaching their G-d or hp.

 My two agarot. Av... 

 Dearest Li..:

 DO consider a new sponsor!

 And to those who gossip about your kippah, point to their crosses around their necks, their x-mas pins on their coats, their political pins, etc.

 I don't wear a kippah to AA meetings, because I don't normally wear a kippah. But as you probably noticed, I wear a HUGE silver Star of David at all times (hence it's tendency to be tarnished)

 Send my love to Japan (;-> (my winky is wearing a kippah!)

 Love

 I..