JACS Library - Our Stories

JACS: Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons, and Significant Others

JACS LIBRARY - OUR STORIES

Need to Share!!!

Hi JACS!

I've been lurking in the JACS on-line discussion list closet....lonely here!

Hi all, I'm B., Gay, Jewish, Alcoholic!

I came into the rooms in Jan 97 after a lot of life falling apart.

As a Bisexual Male unable to deal with life at 16 years old, I planned my own suicide. Father was alcoholic, Mom was his enabler...I looked after everybody especially sisters [two], younger. I began at age 10 having an affair with an older boy [he was 14yo]..and at same age I discovered my Father's alcohol. He had passed out one nite, so I helped myself. Continued the affair the best we could over a 4 year period...and learned how to hide feelings and who I really was. Discovered that alcohol would also help to that and it would take the feelings [and all feelings, hurts,

Decide that running away and joining the Navy was better than suicide. Had that moment of clarity one night I had planned to kill myself. Sick and tired of being sick and tired of caring for others...and everybody telling me that my feelings were [illegal, immoral, sinful and normal people done feel this way].

Went out with my friend and got smashed!

Fast forward; Discovered heavy duty drinking in Navy...also encountered strange thing of waking up and not knowing where I was or who I was with. I always woke up with a partner and he was always as drunk as I. We could hide and pretend that it was the Alcohol!!! And next time out we drink more alcohol...couldn't stop....sometimes wanted to stop... still couldn't!

Redoubled effort to control alcohol...many plans...many short periods of abstaining followed by still more drinking. So started planning drunks... A Navy chaplain got me busy in doing service in local community off base. Later I learned that he was an AA and was a Catholic Priest. Thank God, he helped this Jewish Sailor boy of 18. Never went to meetings...and probably wouldn't have...even if I had heard of them....and I never heard of them. [Well I was in Manila, Philippines!] Still drinking!!

Later...Out of Navy. started college....getting involved again in civilian life. Moved in with drinking college friend and broken hearted when he moved on. Met friendly female and the relationship developed, we married and started family at age 30.

Wow! was really safe now! Even told wife of Bisexuality and she was supportive and we did love each other. Had to work harder at controlled drinking...or controlling drinking.

Didn't occur to me to stop drinking!

Tried Pot...the only thing it did for me was make me thirsty for Alcohol...and to have more sex. [male or female....didn't matter!]

Wife cared about that!

Crisis time! No outside sex with anybody! Settle down...work, vacation...picnic...raise kids. This or get out completely and never come back for anything! Decision...drink and hide out some more.

Next big crisis: Wife contracts Cancer, one month later I contract Cancer. Three months later she died. I'm totally wasted [used alcohol to help get there!] I had operation, chemo, radiation and lots of alcohol between, before, and after. On disability until able to return to work. Surprise...company bought out...they're "RIGHT SIZING". I got "right sized" for the door! So in six months, I went from a two income family in our own 3 Bedroom house with two kids and .....Naaah! Never had a picket fence! :)

Had another drink!

Now had no income, Elephant size mortgage, one kid moved out and got married, son at home and still in college. So I drank some more!

Finally found AA in Jan 97 [by kindly direction of new employer] and was able to try to stop drinking. But what's this AA stuff?

Gradually ever so gradually, discovered that I had a major disease chiefly characterized by dependency and the compulsion/obsession to continue the dependency, regardless of declining health and death.

What to do? AA says trade in dependency on alcohol and instead depend on God....or HP as they call him! Okay how do I get this to work for me....get a sponsor who is doing it...and he'll show you if you want it. I wanted it...so I found a sponsor...3 months ago the program began to "click" for me. Since the "click" I have been moving up the Steps with his daily spiritual guidance.

And I had to wolf down some humble pie on this one....MY sponsor is my son's age...only he has been sober 4 years. Well.. life isn't a dress rehearsal!

I know this is getting long, but I sort of need to summarize where I've been and what's happening now.

This week I just finally got the guts and courage to "come out" as Bisexual to my children doing steps 8 and 9. What did I say ...basically that I was a lying, sneaky, manipulating, control freak who with the help of alcohol like to pretend that he was the world's best Father and Husband to their mother. It was a pretense because of my sexuality which I controlled with alcohol.

Shoot I tried to control everything with alcohol! That I had injured them by my lies and that they had made decisions based on what I had told them.

I told son of blackouts, fog...stupors...not knowing people I woke up in bed with. Son says Oh, Does this mean I have a unknown brother or sister? No! It wouldn't happen that way...I always woke up in bed... with men and by mutual consent. And how I had used alcohol to get me there. I admitted to all the lies. From now on I told him that I was going to try and not lie to him ever again! Lovingly he says..

I'm glad you never got AIDS! [I m crying now as I write this! I love him so much!]

So you wont accuse me any more of drinking too much! No I said.... You never drank ...I did! He says I noticed! I had always projected my drinking onto him.

Daughter says: Oh! that's cool! Did Mama know? I'm expecting a delayed reaction from her... but then again...daughter says...Oh you raised us Liberal Democrats...this won't bother us. Besides, I never believed that alcohol "allergy" stuff. Oh I said, I had lied about that too. It was a lot worse! [Now I remember that Daughter and her husband drink like fishes!] She used to worry me as a child... and I used to let her sip the Pesach wine...she really loved Purim... so did I! :) Another good reason for me to stay in AA.

My reactions:

I feel like I'm in "free-fall"...I just destroyed the alcoholic driven identity I had. My feelings today...yesterday...talking both days with sponsor. It's like I lost my old identity and haven't yet built a new one. I'm betwixt and between! In a strange way...I feel that I don't even know who I am....And I have been trying to turn all of this over with another Step 3. I have today....and I can truthfully say that I have absolutely no expectations on tomorrow!

I know I have the "protection and care" of God...I am totally dependent now on him...and I have no idea what he going to do with me...but I'm willing. Confused, but willing!

Thanks for listening...I needed to get this out! [vbg]