In the following set of letters, note the writers are writing about moving towards and away from Orthodox observance. We include this not to endorse Orthodox Judaism as the expected end to spiritual recovery for Jewish alcoholics and addicts but to show how some of us are working it out and our paths in discovering what personally works for the individual's recovery. 

JACS includes Jews from all parts of  the Jewish spectrum including unaffiliated and secular Jews. 

Ok, time to get heavy!

 Went to a retreat at --- this past week for Jews in recovery, it was very enriching bonding, warm and loving -- and I'd highly recommend it to JACS folks who can be open to those non-traditional "New Agey" things that those Jewish renewal Jews do -- music during service, body movement, meditation, group circle, etc.

 Maybe that was just the setting I needed to bring my current (but for a while now) struggle about my relationship with God vs. my relationship to Judaism. Quick background: semi-observant Conservative Jew (eg won't ride or spend on Shabbat, don't work on any of the holidays, but turn on lights, eat unkosher outside of house, don't pray 3 times a day, at least not formally, etc etc.) 

My wife is ahead of me in observance -- although we're both fairly tolerant of our differences in religious practice. And we're planning to move to a more Orthodox community because our kids attend day school in that area & we feel kind of isolated on Shabbat in our current town (everyone kind of goes their separate ways after services). 

My problem/struggle/challenge is that I connect to a lot of the spiritual wisdom & insights & teachings of Judaism, but when it comes to being more fully observant (or "buying the whole package" as I call it) I am very resistant -- the whole burden of observance (beyond my current mish-mosh of a level) seems too daunting & overwhelming and, at the risk of sounding negative, I don't really feel like I'll ever want to accept the whole deal. 

On the other hand, I respect the spiritual value of mitzvot and have tons of respect & appreciation for those that pursue them -- it's just that I fear my own resistance & resentment of being "told what to do" would do more spiritual harm than good. Made even more complicated by the fact that I have accepted some traditional observances -- I just don't want to do all of them. 

Looking at what I've written so far, there's an awful lot of "me" and "I want" in here -- but, then again, from a traditional halachic perspective, God is asking a helluva lot from us (which is not to say that we don't owe Him ;} . . . 

Anyway, I just wanted to share some of this confusion and ask whether/how other people have resolved it, especially vis a vie  "God as we understand Him" If that's a God who commands (or "strongly suggests") doing the mitzvot than who are we who consciously decide to do less? Sinners? Willful human beings? Jews who are "not yet" there? Or Jews whose relationship with God has been {choose your word} clouded/tainted/changed/evolved by being born in the USA, circa mid-20th century? 

The insight I had on the past retreat is that God loves me enough to give me free choice on this -- and to love me unconditionally and deeply no matter what I do -- and that I want my relationship with God to be a loving one. And that if that means that doing some of the mitzvot (particularly the human-God ones, as opposed to the ones that govern how people should act with each other) makes me feel "coerced" or resentful -- well then, maybe it's better to live without that particular mitzvah than bear the burden of another resentment. That notion seems to bring a certain comfort to me, and maybe it's just a temporary truce -- just for today. 

I suspect that more will be revealed, it's just that God can be nearly as "ornery" a Being to have a relationship with as myself! Thanks for listening. 

A---. 

A---, To Whom am I praying? Is it the loving Higher Power that I found in the rooms of Alanon/AA, or is it the One in the Tanach (Torah, Prophets, Writings)? Is it the same One? And if so, why does he make so many demands on me?

 I really have had all the feelings, thoughts and issues you describe. A long time ago I decided to take what I liked and leave the rest. That worked for a long time. Then I wanted to move beyond my will to do His will. 

An example: I decided to cover my hair because a rabbi-mentor said it was halachicly correct to do so. I HATE wearing hats of any sort. I decided that I could wear a hat just for today, just this one day. Then the next day I decided to just for this day, etc. One day led to another... I still cover my hair and I still HATE it, but I feel good that I gave up my will. (Sometimes I wear a sheityl [wig], but usually I wear a baseball hat! )

 My will is awesome, gigantic, stubborn. It's what got me there (to Hell, where I never want to go again).

 Sometimes I have to admit that maybe Hashem knows better. Sometimes I still berate myself because, although I look like an orthodox Jew (I'll tell you a secret, here) I am actually a phoney.

 I occasionally spend all Shabbos reading mystery novels instead of learning Torah and going to shul. I swear (but try not to). When I feel really rebellious I tear the toilet paper on Shabbos, just to show that I'm not going along with all this.

 Then I get really defensive and say to myself: I used to be a drug addict and degenerate who lied, stole, cheated, etc. Hashem should be satisfied with just the fact that I'm a nice person today, and keep kosher, etc., even if I can't go along with the whole program (religion).

 I also berate myself for feeling depressed on Purim and not sad on Tisha B'Av. I can't seem to make myself feel the way I'm SUPPOSED to feel. I have enough trouble with feelings without turning them this way or that on purpose!

 Anyway, I'm sure it's the same G-d, but I'm not sure why He seems so mean in the Torah sometimes. I don't understand it all, but then, I'm human and G-d's....G-d! It's a journey.

 To Av----: I making Aliya in the fall and would love to hear about meetings in your area! 

Love, S-- 

It was good to hear your struggle, because it seems so sincere and honest. I don't have an answer, but I would like to share with you my gradual attraction to observance. I am now 6 years clean and sober, thank G-d and was raised a very devout Bronx Irish Catholic. This probably saved my life because throughout a terrible 7 year period, in which I went to 4-7 meetings a week but could not stay sober longer than 60 days, I never gave up hope that G-d as I understood Him would one day relieve me from the bondage of addiction. When I was ready, however, He did and I have not had the compulsion to drink since that day.

 I had a conversion, remarried my Jewish wife etc., and then kind of waited. I was learning and enjoying it, but didn't manage to merge my intellectual attraction with Judiasm along with the emotional power I knew I needed. This emotional attraction I had always felt in AA, probably because I had earned it through pain and struggle. I did not have the same feeling for Judiasm, and I therefore was not that observant.

 A single event helped create the bridge I needed. One Shabbos I answered the door to two women, one about 60 and one about 40. When I opened the door they greeted me with "Shalom" and pointed to the Mezuzzah on the door. They were collecting for the local Baptist church and wanted to know if I cared to contribute. I politely declined, and the the older one said "You know, we have the same messiah". I was somewhat taken by her comment and asked her what she meant. She said, "My daughter", as she pointed to the younger one, "and I were born Jewish, but we found the true messiah". I looked at her and felt true pity for her. I honestly never felt sorrier for anyone in my life, because the only thought that ran through my mind was "You had the answer and you let it go, how could you ?" After saying goodbye, I realized that if I truly felt that way, that the answer was Judaism, then I personally had to have the spiritual honesty to accept as much of Judaism as I could.

 That was 5 years ago, and since then I have become increasingly more observant. The nicest part of that observance is that I welcome the next stage. I also feel that the gradual movement towards observance is, for me, directly proportional to my level of gratitude and willingness to do G-d's will. It is the clearest path for me that only gets clearer with committed learning. Just as I wouldn't forego working the steps, I can't forego learning. I consider it "MY" Torah now, I am responsible for it, and it feels good. 

P--- 

Re: A--'s road to observance Aaron wrote about his resistance to taking on more mitzvah observance. It sounds to me like a lot of planning about how he will feel.

 My take on it: try it, if you don't like it you can always stop. I have spent a lot of time planning my reactions to things, rather than doing them. Since I have been in recovery, I have made friends with a Zen Buddist abbott. I haven't tried any of the Zen practice, but I have absorbed some of the attitude. They teach living in the moment, not in the future or past. One of my favorite sayings: "Zen spirituality is not thinking about God while you are peeling potatoes, it is just peeling the potatoes."

When it comes to mitzvahs, I have found that I generally like doing them, and the resistance I have towards doing them disappears once I start. This is especially true for prayer. The night before I go to minyan , I hate setting the alarm clock and anticipate how tired I will be the next morning. But when I'm in shul, I don't feel tired- I feel good.

 Welcome to our newcomers. Don't worry about the stuff on the list that doesn't make sense. Just don't use and keep going to meetings. Love,

 J--

I read your letter with great interest. It just so happens that I am in the exact position you are in, being semi-observant, generally more than my friends and family but not quite enough to be considered "Frum".

 For me, Halachic observance is an ongoing struggle, a struggle I think that will never end. Whether to accept the "whole package" or not is a conscious choice that each of us have to struggle with. Picking and choosing enables me to "control" my observance and commitment level, and I feel (like you) most comfortable with this approach. 

However, total immersion enables one to be more "integrated" into the religious community and to live a more "complete" and "authentic" religious life. (Note: that I put these words in parenthesis because they are totally subjective, personal statements.)

 I was Frum (Orthodox) for 2 years during which I drank every day, and even considered the Halacha of doing cocaine on Fast Days! I abandoned it all, and sunk deeper into addiction and find myself slowly returning after being sober 6 years in AA. My yearning to be part of a relgious/committed community is tempered by the fact of my disbelief. 

I don't believe in Torah MeSinai, nor could I ever. I love traditional praying and studying and yearn for a non-orthodox community in which I can participate. However in my town (San Francisco) the Conservative Community is really not that close knit. 

What I'am trying to say is that all this puts me right on the Fence as far as my religious orientation goes--and I am going to stay there until I make a conscious choice to go left or right. So keep the "Faith" Alan, and as you paraphrased: "All Things Will Be Revealed.";-) 

D

I will tell you what I did. I want you an others to realize that I became sober without Jewish observance. Nevertheless, I felt that if I was to grow spiritually, I had to increase my Jewish observance [whatever that meant to me]. YMMV.

 After a while on the program I was certain I liked Orthodoxy but I was not sure I wanted the whole package. From a strictly intellectual judgment of my beliefs, I had to admit, I was Orthodox material, but from a practical standpoint, I am stubborn and I don't like discipline. What was I to do?

 I started by praying in the morning in a freestyle. Whatever thoughts came to mind went directly to God. I then decided that on Thursdays [completely arbitrary choice] I would attempt to pray a regular morning service [schacharit]. Looking back, I see I made a number of technical errors. I just lacked the knowledge to do the job correctly. Nevertheless, I give myself points for desire. As I fumbled, learned more and added to my Thursday prayers.

 The next thing I did was to begin reciting my afternoon prayers [minchah] during the work week. I skipped weekends only because I was not able to associate my prayers with any particular schedule like my work schedule. I continued adding to my observances all the while.

 This progression has taken places over years. Now I pray three times a day, seven days a week. I do so willingly and I look forward to it all except the Tachanun [supplications] on Mondays and Thursdays :-(.

 I have progressed in starts and stops. At times I have rebelled against the discipline because I found it too restrictive and too repetitive. Nevertheless, I have found that many things that are difficult to do, give great rewards once they are mastered. This has been true with my daily prayers. I knew that when I started, the journey would be difficult, but I also read that so many great Jews have found devotion to prayer a central part of their life, it had to be worthwhile. I had to find out. I am still in the process of finding out, but I have tasted many rewards from daily prayer. I want more.

 BTW, for my program, I added a prayer at the end of the service. I say "Thank you God for all You have given me. Thank you for all You have taken from me. Thank you for another day of life. Thank you for making me a Jew." I find it a good prayer to say at the very end.

 I would suggest that you not add an observance until you understand it fully and are committed to doing it.

 I also suggest that your "all or nothing" view of taking on Jewish observance is the best formula for observing "nothing." Take things a mitzvah [commandment] at a time.

 > Anyway, I just wanted to share some of this confusion and ask > whether/how other people have resolved it, especially vis a vis > "God as we understand Him" If that's a God who commands (or > "strongly suggests") doing the mitzvot than who are we who > consciously decide to do less?

 And what good will it do to have you do many mitzvot for a week and then decide it is too much and stop? It is better to first understand the how and why of a mitzvah before doing it. Then you will do it consistently and well.

 This reminds be of the story [poorly remembered so I'll make up the parts I have forgotton :-)] that scientists had said that train travel over 50 miles per hour was impossible. They said it could not be done because the human body would be crushed. Actually that is true if one decided to start at full speed from a dead stop. However, we don't do that in real life. Instead we go slowly at first, dragging our cabboose until we reach full speed and soon we have reached our destination. 

Al

V wrote: >My 28 year old son has been smoking pot for approximately 14 or 15 years. >He recently broke down and said that his life was totally out of control and >that he felt he was a drug addict.... although pot is not supposedly >addictive . He says he is giving up pot completely. I am not convinced that >this is so.

 You may want to suggest that he go to some Narcotics Anonymous meetings, or perhaps even some "open" AA meetings. Both should be listed in your phone book. (I have heard thet there is also an "anonymous" organization for marijuana smokers. You might find some more info on the web.)

 By the way, our stories-- and our honesty-- develop over time. The reality is that, even though he admitted that he smoked pot, there may be much more going on.

 Ultimately, you are powerless over him and his addiction. The first step to YOUR serenity comes in accepting this. Try some Alanon or Naranon meetings for yourself, no matter what he does.

 We all love you here!!

 Also, A writes about his struggle with Gd vs Halacha. I can only share my view, and some of what I say may be heresy, but here goes.

 Fitst of all, if someone truly believes in Gd, and that the Torah is Divine and Gd-given, then the desire to avoid any mitzva seems contradictory and self-serving. After all, if Gd said do this, then what possible excuse can you offer for not doing it except that you are lazy or self seeking, and don't want to do this (these) inconvenient thing(s).

 And I must tell you, that this goes on all the time among orthodox, practicing Jews. Since I don't want to besmirch hundreds of thousands of people, let me use myself as an example. There is a specific halacha (precept of Jewish Law) to review each week's Torah reading three times: twice in Hebrew and once in (Aramaic) translation. And we must do this week in, week out, year in, year out. Yet I rarely do this, (for I am lazy and self-seeking) despite the fact that I am clearly orthodox ("ultra orthodox" by some standards). There are many more examples in my practice, and I'm sure in others.

 So perhaps, A, you are on the same road as me, just travelling in a different spot.

 Yet it seems to me that wholesale denial of halacha-- that is, of Orthodox practice-- as insignificant or unimportant, is incompatible with a true belief in Gd and His Torah. Of course, there are people who believe in Gd, but not in the Torah as a Divinely written and given object. For such people, accepting and rejecting halachic issues is not debatable on religious grounds.

 Having said all that, let me broach the heresy:

 The Zohar (basic source-text for Kaballah) says that the 613 mitzvos are 613 paths to Gd. It doesn't say that they are the ONLY paths to Gd. The implication from this (to me, at least), is that there are many paths to Gd. For example, perhaps Mother Theresa has found one. Perhaps a Jew who never practices the precepts of his religion but excells at 12th step work and acceptance has found another. I don't know, but most importantly, I don't judge.

 I do believe, though, as Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Bertichov explains, that this blueprint of 613 mitzvos (and its consequent halacha) is a great gift from Gd to us; that in giving us His Torah, Gd made things easier for us. He told us exactly how-- by what steps, methods and paths-- to get as close as possible to Him. Our job is to get on the escalator.

 Anyway, enough homiletics out of me. See you on the net! :-)