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JACS, November 1999 Retreat-My Experience, Strength and Hope
by Hannah B.

"You will see miracles," Sandi R. told me, "It's not too late - apply for a scholarship.

Three weeks later I was at a JACS retreat, in the Catskills! (In the mountains where historically great things happened.) Not since 1988 have I felt so down and needy. At that time, I received an unexpected inheritance and felt strangely pulled to go to Israel where I discovered a deep connection that had not surfaced before - I am a Jew and I love sights and sounds Jewish! There I was healed of misery and put in touch with what I call my Jewishness.

Not until the JACS retreat (November 99) have I had such a powerful experience. I had no time for expectations between applying for the scholarship and going to the retreat. As with Jerusalem I arrived with no hint of what was to come. We were milling and mixing around in the lobby, not knowing the healing process had begun. After all, who was going to identify with "black hats" or a casually dressed younger man, "mit" sweater & sneakers, who turned out to be a rabbi and the leader of a beautiful Shabbat service (my choice out of other happenings for the Friday arrival evening.

It was at that service, in that circle of other Jewish addicted people that I was able to let go of Freddie, dear, deceased companion of 25 years "turned over" as we say in the rooms, during a final, sweet, relieving Kaddish - Shalom, Freddie. In the atmosphere of that circle, in front of the portable Torah, something allowed that healing. Among the others gathered, who also shared aloud during the Kaddish, the who and why they were mourning. We began to get to know each other that Friday night.

My assigned roommate was perfect. She never questioned me or asked, "what's up?" whether I entered our room crying or smiling. Each planned segment and shared meal left me in a different space or place. One memorable moment was when I chose to sit next to a really likeable guy - easy to talk to. Except for a yarmulke, he could have been a shoe salesman or a doctor for all I could tell. "I am terrified," I confided when I learned he was a rabbi, "I will go nuts when my mother dies. You know we A's are a delicate bunch". In his easy voice and manner he leaned a little closer and said "delicate shmelicate - you should not go though things like the rest of us?" This dignified yet casual and witty Reform rabbi healed me - my fear left me!

One Hasidic rabbi from Brooklyn was so much fun to eat with. "Brooklyn," he told me, "that is where the action is." I felt so comfortable with the crowd of multi-focused Jews. This is what I miss at meetings I knew. That unspoken, unexpressed, "Yeah, we know," referring to so many Jewish issues. The retreat was not about church basements, or what prayer is used, or Holocaust survival in twelve step meetings, or the myth that Jews do not drink. It was about all issues. One gal, not even knowing why she was there, frightened. She told me. "Wow!" One Torah, many issues and Jews from all over, searching or affirming, as with me. I learned that the 12 steps and that something I continue to call my Jewishness can knit, and that helped heal me. I had not experienced that before and did not dream it could be. I came home feeling more " in"-tegrated - in the rooms without having to say anything special had happened for me.

But it had. Frankly I felt I'd come down to size to request a scholarship and it was granted with great dignity and treated with anonymity. Partly out of gratitude and partly to work on my own life on life's terms, and maybe some sense of humility, I choose to share about the need for a scholarship with you, my fellowship reader. The last thing this Jewish woman wanted to find out, but that has healed me so much, is something I heard in my home group, "It is not about success." My priorities and shameful thinking are yielding to the path set by the twelve steps.

Besides the services, meetings, eatings and a great Saturday night talent show, there was a high powered, positive energy everywhere - in the large dining room (some 250 of us!) where some Hasidim chose to dance and sing, where hearty eating attested to how delicious glatt kosher can be, as well as plenty of noshes for late niters.

The theme, "Miracles Against the Odds," was no exaggeration, fabulous. I saw several right before my heart. One couple who were having marital difficulties - one committed to program, the other, the "bewildered one" appeared mid-weekend evening relaxed, smiling and they appeared to be, well, a different couple.

Whoever organized this retreat worked so hard, that I felt, while so little seemed to show, a sense of organization was always evident - the volunteers, these guys thought of everything. There was a buddy for each newcomer (like me) whom could be contacted at any time.

That talent show on Saturday night was a treat. We all were invited to participate with poetry, song, etc. I chose to sing and slept deeply afterward. It was a late night for me. We experienced laughter as well as tears. I was into "Yes, enjoy," especially when "Liz Taylor" bedecked with jewels and dazzlingly dressed appeared - sassy, sexy in her/his high-heeled shoes! How did a man, so costumed, manage those high heels? Maybe it takes 12-step practice? He was a great host-ess as Liz T.

I was fascinated during one part of the retreat when a large man wearing a large, luxurious, mink trimmed, black hat - I had been dating a retired furrier. Was I caught up with his family background or how the smoothed mink could look so silken? He was very approachable and I enjoyed the brief conversation (yes, he was directly related to the Bal Shem Tov.)

One of my favorite moments was finding myself in conversation with another first time retreat attendee. He was from Canada and he was fascinated by a pendent I wore hanging from my neck. It had been a gift that had the Hebrew letters of the several names for G-d. He asked with great interest where he could purchase one. I did not know. I removed it and offered it to him. His eyes beamed. "Really, really for me, are you sure?" I wanted him to have it. Whatever it meant to both of us, the give and take of that moment was filled with unspoken meaning and gratitude - we both felt it. There was healing, friendship, and for many like me, freedom to be who I am. I sign now leaving my sum of experience, strength and hope - that we believe, keep believing, keep Showing up for life, (thanks again, Scholarship Committee) for meetings, for retreats, as a recovering Jew (of whatever background and experience) - for my experience affirmed and encouraged by JACS but especially the power packed rooms of JACS. A note, most of my sponsors in several "A" rooms to which I have belonged, have not been Jewish. This is a spiritual journey, and what JACS is to me - the vital component I cannot address at regular meetings, whether I love it, search for it, have other feelings about it - is my Jewishness.

I am now a more integrated person. It took one miraculous weekend. Thanks for the ride up, Rachel.

On to more Recovery - Best for the Millennium.

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