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JACS: Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons, and Significant Others

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Out of the Mouth of Babes

by Sara-Rivka

It's Friday morning and I'm baking challah. My three- year-old, Channi plays quietly in the den. First she lines up all her stuffed animals in a row. Solemnly she lifts Curious George, wiggles him about and says in a squeaky voice, "Hi. My name is George and I'm an alcoholic."

The other dolls respond, "Hi George!"

Yes. You guessed right. Channi has been to many AA meetings with her mom.

I grew up in a home where there were many secrets. It's important to me that my children know about alcoholism and that it not be a family secret. Attending meetings is one way for them to learn about the disease of alcoholism.

Usually when they come with me it is because the baby-sitter canceled (or they didn't like the baby-sitter) or because they simply needed to be with me. However, I try to include them in most aspects of my life and am glad that they have been exposed to AA and Al-Anon in utero and out.

As babies they nursed through meetings. At certain ages, for example during the "terrific" twos, they made too much noise to be welcome. Now that they're older they bring art supplies and sit quietly on the floor. Kobi, age nine, has even taken up knitting (like his mom) and will sometimes sit beside me and knit at meetings.

Once Kobi slept at a friend's house for Shabbos. During the meal they served non-alcoholic beer. "My Mom would love this," he commented.

"Why," asked the father, "does she like beer?"

"No," Kobi replied, she never drank beer. "But she's an alcoholic so she'd like this!"

Later the mother repeated this story to me, saying, "I would never repeat what he said, but maybe you should tell him not to tell people. Some people may not understand." This did seem like a good opportunity to share on Tradition 12 - anonymity. I had drilled it into them that they were never to tell anyone when they saw someone they knew at a meeting. I guess they didn't think of me as someone they knew.

On the one hand I don't want my kids to feel they have to keep secrets about our family life. On the other hand, I prefer to break my own anonymity, not have my kids break it for me. It's hard for kids to always be appropriate and discreet. Bottom line: I'd rather have them tell someone I'm in recovery than feel ashamed and secretive about it.

There are added benefits to this openness. Last week I was having a hard day. Frustration mounted. As I neared the breaking point Kobi bellowed, "G-d, grant me the courage, to change the wisdom I can." It was close enough. I cracked up laughing, said the Serenity Prayer in earnest, then told Kobi to "Keep coming back!"