JACS Library - Our Stories

JACS: Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons, and Significant Others

JACS LIBRARY - OUR STORIES

Stan's Spiritual Path Then and Now

My name is Stan and I'm an alcoholic,

(I have been programmed to start every sharing session that way ;-) ) I m kind of new to this forum, this genre, and this type of meeting. So far I love it and - because I've felt a bit like a voyeur (reading but not participating) - I decided I d better inject my experience, strength, and hope. After all, if I wait to be called on I'll never give myself permission to speak!

I was raised Catholic and went through Conservative conversion about six years ago. I went to my first 12 step meeting 21 years ago as an alateen and qualified at my first AA meeting 19 years ago. By the grace of God I've not found it necessary to put any mind altering substance into my body in 14 years. (This is the qualification/celebration part; what follows is my experience, strength, and hope funneled through my opinion).

When I got sober I was given official sanction, by AA s God as We Understood Him, to seek and find a God that I could comprehend. I've learned that I must never fool myself into thinking that I am to Understand God or that I'll eventually think of God as a Him . For 1930 s grammatical purposes, the point is easily missed.

When Bill W. wrote "God as We Understood Him" he was not instructing us spiritually or religiously. Rather, he was freeing us (all future generations of alkies) from these chains that had defeat spiritual alcoholics in the past. In making God an entirely open concept, Bill (and the first 100 alcoholics) enabled a new era in the fight against what was called alcoholism then and is called Obsessive, Compulsive Disorder now (by some).

In seeking my God I found Judaism -- what a wonderful bi-product of a wonderful God! I found a group of people who thought like I d always thought. These folks asked the same difficult questions I d always asked. I wasn t joining a tribe I knew nothing about, I was coming home! Remarkably, it was the same exact feeling I d had 19 years ago when I joined AA.

We are a diverse mix of people who would not normally mix. This is a really lousy para-quote of Bill W s. It is especially appropriate in this forum. Can you imagine any other way to get this diverse a mix? I read with interest, humor, occasional sadness, and frequent L Chaim spirit, the emotion that pours into JACS. It is all feelings which occasionally are hidden beneath belief systems. I listen for the feelings. I support the courage it takes to reveal them. I Love those who venture to be loved.

I've had a sad week (wow! 43 lines to get to my own feelings . . . keep coming back!). I've been given the grace and blessing to be able to pass it on in the form of sponsorship. I sponsor quite a few men who, in turn, sponsor others, who in turn . . . One of my favorites (yes, I have favorites) has been doing wonderfully for the past 18 months. He accepted this simple program, committed to service work, went through the Big Book and all 12 steps with me, and has worked incredibly hard righting the wrongs of his past.

I got a call from him a couple of days ago. He told me that No, I'll not be doing my 4th step with you again. In thinking about things I decided to drink. It was that simple. After making so much of this sober life, the program, and spirituality, this man got himself to a place where that idea seemed like a good one. I think I'll take a drink. Without the disease, this thought can never seem rational. With the disease this is a most powerful and, sadly, frequent next thought. What I've told him, and what I share frequently in f2f meetings is that my first thought (reaction to life as I resist understanding it) will always be born of this disease. Recovery is the ability to pause and receive the next thought. This is the one that sounds like my sponsor. This is the voice that says, thank you for sharing. This is the sound of reason and Love. Patience and tolerance.

It is so tempting to take responsibility for a sponsees slip. I've been to enough Al-anon to know that I can t get them sober and I can t make them drink. When you Love someone like a brother its hard to teach the heart the logic of my experiences. I look forward to the day (soon, I hope) when this guy will come walking into a room of AA and belligerently say, well, it didn't work last time, but I'll give you guys s program another chance! We always take that Why is this night different for YOU (Passover reference) attitude when returning to AA.

At that moment I will see - as I've witnessed hundreds of times - a group of loving, recovering people, accept this alky because they believe in the disease concept. Today, as a Jew, I believe in a God I can argue with. As an alcoholic, I believe in that same God who is tougher than the disease. As both I believe in the people God chooses to carry this message: be it Torah or Big Book, it melds into the same messages of Love and Life.

L Chaim,

Stan