JACS Library - Our Stories

JACS: Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons, and Significant Others

JACS LIBRARY - OUR STORIES

My name is Alex and I am an alcoholic.

I am also a Jew. I found my way to Judaism through the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was a Catholic, a drunk and very young.

My boss brought me into the program of AA. He couldn't figure out what was going wrong with me but he knew AA. He took me along with him. When I walked into that first meeting it was the first time I felt at home. That was a Thursday.

I had decided that although I was certain I was not an alcoholic, I wanted to stay. I thought that staying sober was an easy price to pay for friendship in AA. By that Sunday, I took a drink. Although it was only one drink, for the first time I really felt remorse over taking that first drink. It really surprised me. From that moment on, I have not had a drink. That was over 18 years ago.

Much has happened to me over those years. One of the most fortunate is that I have become a Jew. How I came to Judaism is a critical part of my story.

The first few months of my sobriety were not happy times. I had taken a short time to really mess up my life and I continued to mess it up even while sober. My sponsor was a wild man but not as wild as me. He tried to help but he finally concluded that I needed to hurt some more. He told me he loved me and let me go.

I was in deep despair. I wanted to die. In those moments, alone in my bedroom, I knew my end was near. I paused. Suddenly I was overcome with the overwhelming sense of the Presence of God. I was in awe. Although I saw nothing and heard nothing, I knew He was there. In my mind I asked, "Who are you?" Then suddenly my mind was filled with the vision of the Jews being led out of Egypt. "The God of the Jews..." I thought to myself.

In a few moments the feeling was gone, but I remembered. Now I knew that God cared. Out of all the times I cried out to Him, He finally showed up. From that moment on I knew that no matter how bad it got and no matter if it I ever got any better, I would not give up. I was living in the now.

Over the years I developed a very good spiritual life for myself. I had a contact with God that was very satisfying, but somehow, I felt I needed more. I needed a community.

I tried to avoid organized religion but eventually I had to admit I really needed it. I went back to church, but I found I couldn't go back to Christianity. You see, I had drawn a number of conclusions from my spiritual awakening of several years before. I knew that the God of the Jews was not Jesus. It is really tough to be a Christian if you don't believe in Jesus as Messiah.

Finally, my ex-wife (she was my wife then. I am remarried) got religion when she went to Israel for a conference. She is a Jew and so she began to drag me to synagogue in her attempt to get in touch with her Judaism. I sat in synagogue with her and I was totally lost.

I spent most of my time reading the prayer book. I fell in love with what I read there. It was my thinking set down in print only this was much better than anything I could have thought up myself. Then I read the phrase that was to remind me of that fateful day when I learned to live in the now, "I, the Lord, am your God who led you out of Egypt to be your God; I, the Lord, am your God." I was hooked.

Eventually I converted to Judaism.

My Jewish journey has been an interesting one in itself, but this posting is getting too long.

I am involved with Judaism, and I don't give two shakes who knows I'm an alcoholic. Because I am so open, I shoot my mouth off about it as often as I can at full volume in the middle of an oneg Shabbat if the subject comes up.

Just one more story; I was VP of Religious Practices and I attended our monthly synagogue board meeting. The President of the synagogue and I were always in contention over which direction the synagogue should go. At this meeting he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "I know your secret and I am going to tell everyone."

The blood ran out of my face and I shuddered inwardly at the thought of him revealing my secret. Then I thought to myself, "What secret?" I turned to him and said, "What secret? What are you going to tell them that they don't already know?"

You are only as sick as your secrets.

Alex