JACS Library - Our Stories

JACS: Jewish Alcoholics, Chemically Dependent Persons, and Significant Others

JACS LIBRARY - OUR STORIES

Today I am 20 years sober

Today I am 20 years sober. I went to an AA meeting last night. I won't be able to get to one tonight. The Sabbath begins tonight and I don't travel on the Sabbath.

Listen to the way I talk. "I don't travel on the Sabbath." What a geek!. :-) Frankly when I first because sober, such "religious piety" talk used to make me want to vomit. Now I'm one of those guys who talks that way. What has become of me? I've become sober, happy and free. That's what has happened to me. I became willing -- willing to do anything to get sober.

At the meeting last night the topic was the first step. The leader wanted to know about your last drink and how you came to work the first step -- how you came to believe that you had were powerless over alcohol and your life had become unmanageable. "Perfect," I thought. I shared about how I came to AA. I'll tell you too.

I remember my first real drink. I was 14 I think. One of my friends had stolen a bottle of cold duck out of his parent's liquor cabinet. All of us sat in the back of his house and drank it. The alcohol set in but it was doing something different to me than it did to the other kids. Suddenly I was superman with hair on my chest and thirty feet tall. I was invincible. It frightened me. That wasn't happening to the other kids. I decided I would not take another drink until I was 18. Somehow I managed to keep that pledge.

I remember at 18 I had moved into an apartment near the college. To celebrate I decided to have a party and invited some of my old high school friends over. One of my friends was at another college and asked if he could bring some of his new friends to the party. I agreed, but I didn't like it. I didn't want to meet new people and I was very anxious. I decided to have a drink before they showed up. I drank all night and got drunk. What of my pledge? I was 18 now.

I remember sitting in my new apartment a few years later. I had quit college. I couldn't seem to follow the rules. It was all unfair. They should have realized I was special. My girlfriend had dumped me. I was feeling sorry for myself. I decided to drink. That would fix things. She would see I had turned to drink without her and she would come back to me. But she didn't see it that way. Smart girl. I continued to drink for a while but finally decided this wasn't going to work. I decided to stop. But the next day I was drinking again.

I remember thinking to myself "This is silly. I can stop drinking!" I really resolved to quit this time -- just like I did when I was 14. But a couple of days later I was drunk again. After several more attempts I decided I couldn't stop. But I wasn't worried. I was young. All it would do would be to take a few years off the end of my life. By then I would be really old ... nearly 40. :-)

I was spent. In a year my life was in ruins. I had decided that my friends were the problem. I did a small geographic and dumped all contacts with family and friends. I got new friends, but it didn't help.

The Halloween party was my next-to-the-last drunk I had. I was dressed as an Indian with full headdress and breach clout. I had just finished a large tumbler full of alcohol. My friends gasped. I was half way down the second one when a brilliant idea came to mind. Two of my friends were playing a game on the coffee table. I decided to leap over the coffee table. I remember jumping into the air. I don't ever remember landing. Next thing I know someone is taking my car keys away from me. I remember waking up in my bed. I got up and went to work.

My friend, Tom, took me aside into one of the meeting rooms and closed the door. He showed me pictures of what I had done at the party. He said, "Alex. When you are sober you're a nice guy, but when you're drunk, you're an @^&%$#." I was shocked. I didn't know what a blackout was but it was clear I was doing things drunk that I was unaware of. Maybe the psychiatrist had been right. Maybe the psychologist had been right. Maybe I needed to check into Metro "for a little rest" as they had suggested. [Metro. You know Metro -- Metropolitan State Hospital. Every big city has one. It's the place where you take the insane and the drunks.]

I was finished. I decided to quit my job and check into Metro. But I had learned a little bit of integrity in those few months I had worked at my job. That was thanks to the owner -- Ed. Ed had really helped me. He had even spotted me a few dollars when I was going through a bad week. I decided he deserved an explanation. I explained I was quitting and I needed to check into Metro. That was when he told me what I needed to know. He was a member of *certain group* that might be able to help me. It sounded great. It was wonderful that a rich guy like Ed was working with those poor slobs, but what business would I have going there? Ed assured me I would fit in just fine.;-)

I walked into the place in my three-piece suit and imitation Gucci loafers. I sat down next to a woman. She was short and obviously very happy. I used to hate people like that. Ed introduced us and if it were possible she seemed even happier to meet me. She grabbed my arm and held on to it. I was humiliated.

I don't remember much from that meeting except a few critical things. I remember seeing people drinking cokes. I remember thinking that at least half of them must have booze in them. But what I didn't realize at first was that I believed that at least half of them were sober. I remember a man was having a birthday. He had over 20 years without a drink. He was talking about how grateful he was that through the program he was able to take a trip to Hawaii. To my ears he sounded like he was from outer space. But finally a man got up to take a cake for 1 year of sobriety. He began to speak. He said he had a year and I believed him. He looked like I would look like if I were a year sober. He looked terrible. But I thought, "If he can do it, so can I."

I loved you in AA. AA was a wonderful place. I felt as if I had come home. Even though I was certain I was not an alcoholic, I decided that staying sober was a small price to pay for such friends. I resolved to stay sober. That was Thursday night. By Sunday night I had another drink -- my last drink. How had it happened? It was so simple. Someone had offered me a drink and I took it. I sat in my car afterward and beat the steering wheel. How could it have happened! That night I realized I had a drinking problem. I had a desire to stop drinking. I took my first step.

Now comes the part I hate. It's the part where the speaker says, "And I came to AA and I've been sober ever since. Thank you." Then the %$#@^& sits down and smiles. I hate that part. :-) Keep coming back and you'll hear the rest of it.

My only message is that I am still here. I am still sharing. I am still sober. You'd had to have seen me then to know that only God could have saved me -- and He did. I will be forever grateful and busy paying back a debt that can never be repaid.

In Judaism it is said that when one saves a life, it is as if one had saved the entire world. God saved the world for me. I am not even sure why. I was not especially good. I am not especially good even now. I was certainly not deserving. He saved my life and I don't know why. All I can do now is to keep putting it out there -- showing myself to you. Maybe that is why God has saved me. Maybe He saved me so I could share something you need to hear. But what is it? I don't know that either. I suppose I will have to continue sharing all of it and hopefully you will do the work and pull out what you need. Whatever you don't need, just leave it for the next person.

My sobriety is a credit to God's Name and none to me. Thank you God. Thank you for all you have given me and all you have taken from me. Thank you for another day of life. Thank you for making me a Jew ... and an alcoholic.